Communicate “all the way”…

As a couples therapist, I am privy to inside information about couples lives that most others are not. With this inside information, I can see the places couples get stuck and the how and the why in ways that they are unable to see from their subjective respective stances. 

The couple I saw today spent a great deal of time explaining how they were feeling really unappreciated and unseen by one another, and this all stemmed from "assumptions" they had made that their partner would have (magically) known what they were feeling without them having to explain it to them or ever even mention it.

I find it quite sweet and endearing that as humans, our young default setting (our basic survival instincts) tells us that those that love us know how to take care of us and to do so in ways that will work for us. Maybe…? I mean to say, yes...if you were lucky enough to be born into a family with an attentive and available caregiver that fed you and changed you and held you at all the right times without you ever having to ask for it. But let's be honest, most of us did not have a perfectly attuned experience as infants. And, we have come a long way since we were infants! Why would we want go back to (or stick with) a way of existing without all of our hard earned tools and opt for something so primal? 

As adults, we somehow forget that we are quite lucky. We get to ASK for what we would like. That does not mean we will get it, but we have the ability to leave assumptions behind and directly ask for the things we would like. This means being direct, and explicit.

What does that bring up for you? Maybe try asking yourself "what if I ask my partner for what I would like?" and then listen. Are there parts of you that tell you not to do that, out of fear your needs will not be met? Is it that the possibility of disappointment may feel too hard to manage? If it's not that, can you stay curious about what is it that keeps you from being direct, from communicating "all the way" ?