Sex IS worth talking about…
How often do you and your partner talk sex? Yes, I mean talk about YOUR sex.
Wait.
Before you answer that question, let’s define “sex”. When I ask clients what their definition is of “having sex”, the most common response is “intercourse and an orgasm”. Right, so this means, in order to “have sex”, you must have a penis that stays erect and two people capable of climax? No wonder so many of us out there feel pressure around performance when it comes to sex.
Befriend your discomfort…
Allowing ourselves to feel all of our feelings, not just the pleasant ones, can be a real challenge for many of us. When presented with the notion that allowing oneself to sit in uncomfortable feelings like regret, disappointment, sadness, fear, or grief and loss could help us move to a new place, you may feel some skepticism and also resistance.
Transitions
The word transition is defined on dictionary.com as “movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change.”
What is it about “change” that makes us all so uncomfortable? How is it that we can deny that the one constant in our existence here on earth is change? Why do we hold on to things for dear life, or fear that we will suffer so much when they change?
Communicate “all the way”…
As a couples therapist, I am privy to inside information about couples lives that most others are not. With this inside information, I can see the places couples get stuck and the how and the why in ways that they are unable to see from their subjective respective stances.
Falling in love with your parts
As human beings we are born hard-wired with our core emotions intact and to be attached. Whether our early attachments and environment exposed us to varying degrees of chaos that felt unsafe, or our surroundings gave us all of the security we needed, we all developed parts of ourselves that helped us manage what we were exposed to in early childhood, when we were essentially fully dependent on our caretakers and had no ready made tools of our own. Without the early attachments we had in our lives, and the parts of us that grew in order to help us manage things that we were unable to make sense of so that we could keep getting our basic needs met, we would not have survived and thrived to be the functional adults that manage our day-to-day lives today.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader.
Do you feel frustrated when you share things about your day with your partner? Do you wish they would stop trying to fix or problem solve, and instead listen and show support? Have you stopped sharing because you know you won’t get what you need?
Are you feeling anxious or depressed?
Life is a journey that brings with it many ups and downs. We are constantly confronted with the need to be flexible and accept change. Sometimes the changes that occur are planned, like moving, deciding to start a family, graduating from college or graduate school, or changing careers. When change takes you by surprise, it can bring along with it feelings of fear, loss and a need to tighten up or become more controlled.
All of us have had moments in our lives that were anxiety-ridden and others that left us feeling low. Anxiety, shame and guilt are all ways your body talks to you, sending signals so that you are aware of something not feeling right. When these feelings become a regular part of your day-to-day life it can be very difficult to figure out what will help stop the cycle, and equally as hard to reach out and seek help.
Are you ready to stop living by “shoulds”?
Do any of these statements sound like something you would say or think?
I “should” be more accomplished by this point in my life.
I “shouldn’t” be resting and reading this weekend,
I “should” be out and social.
He “should” know how I feel.
She “should” know how I feel.
We “should” be spending all of our free time together because that’s what couples do.
Are you married to a man but in love with a woman?
Waking up to your sexuality and attraction to women while in a heterosexual marriage, possibly with children, can be one of the most confusing and conflict filled times in one’s life.
A ‘two-sided’ affair?
The discovery of an affair is one of the most painful and damaging experiences for a monogamous couple. When the affair is revealed, the betrayed partner is left to sit with a slew of debilitating and upsetting feelings. They want to know why the affair happened, and demand information from their partner in elaborate detail. They may blame their partner for ruining the trust that existed between them, and feel unable to see anything other than their partner’s inconsiderate and self-serving actions as a means to a selfish end.
Are you questioning your sexuality?
While some of us know about our same-sex attraction from our earliest childhood sexual stirrings, many women do not find they are open to these feelings until they enter their mid-twenties or early thirties, and some even later than that.
Female Identity and Sexuality
How has our society, by asking women to be quiet and good, shaped our identity and sexuality?
How do you define your female identity?
How does your sexuality connect to your identity?
Are you concerned about how others see you?
What parts of yourself are you losing by being who others want you to be?
What do they say about your same-sex desire?
For those of you that find your source of grounding and strength in your families-of-origin, ‘coming-out’ with your same-sex desire may be one of the first times you face the prospect of being truly stigmatized or disappointing to your loved ones. The fear of a negative, unsupportive reaction from the place in your world where you have felt your safest may have kept your same-sex desires from surfacing. When homophobia carries into your family, peer groups, community, and the greater world around you, its no surprise that many do not come out until later in life, if at all.
If Love Wasn’t Blind
“I finally met the love of my life!” Such joy is expressed in the proclamation of love. Whether the joy is ours, or the excitement belongs to a friend or relative, we come together to rejoice in love, and questions abound about this new and mysterious person. New love seems to give us unbridled cause to celebrate. Have you ever wondered if in fact everyone creates the same meaning out of this moment? Is there some universal definition of love that we all believe in? When we fall in love, we tend to see the object of our desire, and not much more. Perhaps there is some connection between this and the age-old saying “love is blind”?
Are you moving in together?
The idea of attending couples counseling is intimidating for most people. The mere mention of couples ‘working on their relationship’ may give you an uneasy sensation, a feeling that something is wrong, or that the relationship is struggling in some way.
i say ‘growing pains’ and you say…
What comes to mind when you read the term ‘growing pains’? Do images of youth appear in your mind? The days of making mistakes, suffering the consequences and then learning what not to do, both inside and outside of the home? Maybe you were not easily accepted by peers and had no one to talk to about it, felt lonely, and had to figure it out on your own? Maybe ‘growing pains’ reminds you of adolescence or of young adulthood, when you had your heart broken for the first time? Or when you broke someone else’s heart, and you realized how influential your actions can be on others? Somehow, visions of ‘growing pains’ do typically connect back to earlier times in life.
Are you coming out in mid-life?
Exploring your sexuality in mid-life takes resolution and fortitude. It may seem as if the “normal” time for you to develop your sexual identity has long passed. As adults, we don’t give ourselves much space for experimentation and questioning around our sexual identity.