Sex IS worth talking about…
How often do you and your partner talk sex? Yes, I mean talk about YOUR sex.
Wait.
Before you answer that question, let’s define ‘sex’. When I ask clients what their definition is of ‘having sex’, the most common response is “intercourse and an orgasm”. Right, so this means in order to ‘have sex’, you must have a penis that stays erect and two people capable of climax? No wonder so many of us out there feel pressure around performance when it comes to sex. This definition is narrow and heteronormative. It leads to thoughts like “I am not good at sex”, “why can’t I orgasm from intercourse alone?”, and feelings of fear that you are going to disappoint your partner. The overall feeling of being unskilled will likely lead to your feeling LESS like initiating or engaging in sex. Broadening the definition of sex to mean any and all sensual pleasure, whether with yourself or your partner(s) immediately releases the pressure and creates more space for playfulness.
Now back to you and your partner and whether or not you talk about sex. What I have noticed over time in talking with couples, is that they believe that talking about the sex they have has some stigma attached to it. I hear things like “If we talk about it, that will make it less exciting” or “Once we start talking about it, then all the mystery is gone”. Others are concerned that talking about sex will make their partners feel insecure or that it feels too vulnerable all around.
In our culture, it’s true, talking about sex does have some discomfort attached to it. What did you learn about sex growing up in your home? Was sex discussed openly and freely? You may have learned that being open about sex was inappropriate, that sex was something that you should not speak about, you just do it and then close off that part of you until the next time you do it, and keep it to yourself. Of course then being open with your partner about what you like, what turns you on, what you fantasize about, when you masturbated, and what you want more of would all feel quite uncomfortable. But what happens then? You don’t share, you don’t learn more about yourself as a sexual being, your partner is in the dark about what you like and what he/she/they may do more of, or what doesn’t work for you. Things become routine, vanilla, and eventually they slow down to the point where sex doesn’t happen and you don’t discuss that much either.
I have some important news. The more you talk about sex with your partner, the more sex you will have. Talking about sex is foreplay. You can tease each other by talking about it. Text each other about it. Leave each other notes about it. Whisper something in your partner’s ear about it. Eventually the build up will become the sexual encounter.
If that all feels too hard or scary, what about starting with talking about how it’s hard or scary to talk about sex with your partner, sharing what you learned in your home, community, from friends, and staying curious about your partner and what they learned? Stay curious. It is through this kind of deeper exploration of one another that things may start to make sense about what’s happening between you. And finding more pleasure in talking about and engaging in sex may be right around the corner.